THE WAR OF THE STEROIDS
By Art Buchwald

Everyone took what he or she wanted out of the president's State of the Union speech. My ears pricked up when he talked about steroids. He was obviously against them. How, I wondered, did steroids get into the president's speech?
Here's one version: The president was reading the sports pages about all the drugs that athletes are using. It suddenly dawned on him that there was no mention of steroids in his State of the Union speech. He called in his writers and said, "Why is there no mention of steroids in my speech?"
"We were saving it for the opening of the summer Olympics."
"I want to mention it now, before the Democrats do."
A speechwriter said, "If we talk about steroids, people will forget about the unemployment figures."
Another writer said, "Why don't you say, 'When I was governor of Texas I was a 140-pound weakling. Everyone was pushing me around. Then I started using steroids and lifting weights. In no time the muscles in my arms expanded and I weighed 200 pounds.'"
Bush said, "I don't want anyone to think steroids had anything to do with my winning the election in Florida."
The writer said, "And then, Mr. President, you can say, 'If the Democrats push me around, I'll give them a poke in the nose they will never forget.' That should please the conservatives."
"The question is," the president said, "am I for steroids or against them?"
The first writer said, "We better call Karl Rove in."
Rove came in and Bush said, "Karl, where do I stand on steroids?"
Rove looked in his black election book, then said, "The pollsters don't consider steroids a big election issue. People say they are more interested in jobs than in athletes who take body-building drugs."
The president said, "Then should I come out against them in my State of the Union speech?"
Rove said, "It can't hurt. You may lose the baseball-player vote, but you will keep the golfer vote."
The president said, "Who should sit next to Mrs. Bush in the balcony?"
A writer said, "Rush Limbaugh. And on her other side a professional football player who has been rehabilitated at Betty Ford's."
Karl Rove said, "Keep it simple. Appeal to children who watch sporting events on TV and don't see anything wrong with a hockey player improving his game."
"Do we have a letter I can read from an 11-year-old child who thanks me for my message about steroids?" Bush asked.
"I'm sure there is one," the writer replied. "I know we have hundreds about Pete Rose getting in the Hall of Fame."
"Should we also warn the kids against gambling?" the other writer asked.
Rove replied, "We'd better not. Bill Bennett might think we're talking about him."
The president said, "To make sure people know I mean business, I want everyone in my administration to take a drug test. I'll take it out of our Homeland Security budget."
Rove said, "You come up with all the good ideas, Mr. President."
A writer agreed. "It will bring the Republicans to their feet."
© 2004 TRIBUNE MEDIA SERVICES, INC.